My IT department has been corrupted
Posted By Steve | December 6, 2011 | No Comments
This is bad. Very, very bad.
I can’t be 100 percent sure, because they don’t talk, but I think both of our cats have secretly joined the Occupy Wall Street movement.
To be more specific, I’m pretty sure Ella and Weezie are charter members of the little-known-but-very-powerful “Occupy Steve and Cindy’s Condo” faction of the movement.
Now, as regular readers of this blog know, Ella and Weezie have long served as our company’s IT department. They are perfect in this role, and we have come to expect classic IT behavior out of them. Namely:
• I call their names, and they look at me with disdain, if not outright hatred.
• I sit next to them and they immediately get up and go hide under the desk.
• The nicer I am to them, the more aloof they act . . . as if they are afraid that if they ARE nice to me for even ONE second, I may ask them to actually DO SOMETHING.
• At least once a week, I catch them licking their crotches.
You know, classic IT behavior.
And I’m cool with that. When you hire IT, you get what you get.
But lately, their behavior has been even stranger . . . and more, I don’t know . . . militant. Which leads me to believe that they have joined the Occupy Movement. Why? Because their behavior matches exactly what I’m reading about the various Occupy protests.
Here are just a few examples:
1. They bitch and moan with no apparent purpose.
From what I’ve read of the Occupy protestors, they stand around a lot and make cool signs and put up tents and disrupt entire cities and do cool shit like lock their arms and chant when the cops show up . . . but they’re not very clear about what they actually WANT.
From what I can tell, they have something against something they call “the 1 percent,” whatever that is. I think it might be Oprah Winfrey, but I’m not sure.
Based on the signs and the quotes in the paper, they feel that “the 1 percent” has too much money, and they would like “the 1 percent” to give THEM some of their money. Or they want “the 1 percent” to pay off their student loans. Or to pay the bills for their iPads and iPhones. Or something like that.
They seem to hate bankers a lot for some reason. And banks. And big companies. And politicians. And successful people. And anyone who works in the financial sector. And personal hygiene.
All that is very clear. But their actual goals seem to be a bit hazy and unformed.
And it’s the same with Ella and Weezie! Especially Weezie. Right about the time Occupy Wall Street started getting a lot of press, Weezie started mewling and howling for unclear reasons . . . just like the protestors! Don’t believe me? Here’s a video:
She would fit right in with the Occupy protestors, wouldn’t’ she?
2. They’ve become messier and more destructive.
By all accounts, the Occupy folks are kind of scuzzy. Their camps are rife with lice and scabies and leprosy and scurvy and smallpox and herpes and all sorts of other nasty shit. More than one city had to shut down the camps for health reasons alone, before the Bubonic Plague set in.
Now, my cats are usually pretty clean, but lately, since the Occupy movement started, they have started doing strange, unsanitary things, like dragging my socks into the dirty litter box and puking up hairballs on the couch.
The other day Ella was puking on the hardwood floor in the dining room, and she stopped, mid-puke, and moved over to the rug and finished puking there . . . as if she knew it would be harder for us to clean puke off the rug than the floor!
It can’t be a coincidence. They’re making some kind of statement . . . I just don’t know what it is.
3. They are disrupting the natural flow of the house.
The biggest problem with the Occupy crowd is not their lack of any concrete goals or objectives, or their scuzziness. It’s not even the fact that 75 percent of them are spoiled little pricks who can’t BELIEVE nobody will hire them when their parents have been telling them for 21 YEARS how WONDERFUL they are!!
No, the real problem with the group is the fact that they take up valuable city resources, and whatever city they are soiling with their presence can’t operate as normal.
Well, since the Movement started two months ago, Ella has taken an active role in disrupting the normal workings of this house. Here are just two quick examples:
Example #1: It used to be that we had assigned seats for movie nights. I had mine, Cindy had hers, and Ella and Weezie had theirs.
But lately, Ella has been sitting in MY spot. She’s Occupying my fucking couch! And I can’t get her to leave without getting physical . . . just like the Occupy protestors!
See this picture?
Well, the cat on the left, the one with the devil eyes, is Ella, and she’s sitting in MY FUCKING MOVIE SPOT!! That never used to happen!
And do you see those brown blankets they are laying on? Well, we don’t even know where they got those!! They’re bringing their own shit to MY couch, just like the Occupy people bring their tents and their hackysacks and their bongs and their bugs and their signs and and their diseases to their protests.
It’s bad enough that the little hairball thinks she thinks she can camp out in MY movie spot . . . but bringing her skuzzy little blanket with her is taking it too far.
Example #2: One of the nicer routines in this house is that on nights we don’t have Zach, Cindy and I like to drink wine and play Rummy 500. Well, check out this short video of Ella the Occupier disrupting that little activity:
I really don’t know what to do about this. I want to encourage their right of free speech. I don’t want any trouble. I certainly don’t want to break out the pepper spray or, God forbid, the Water Bottle.
The last thing I need is for the whackadiddies at PETA to picket my house for using force to break up a supposedly “peaceful” animal protest.
But I can’t let this go on. It has to stop.
If only they’d let me know what they want . . . but they don’t seem to know. And unlike the Occupy Crowd, which will probably go away when it gets cold out, our little protestors aren’t going anywhere for a long, long time.
