I’m willing to be the Pope . . . if they are willing to make some changes

Posted By Steve | February 11, 2013 | 9 Comments

It’s official. Just got the call from the Vatican. They want me to be the next Pope. I agreed, providing they make a few small changes to their doctrine. Ten tiny changes, to be exact:

1. Reverse their stance on gay people, and encourage people to be who they are. I figure they’ll go for this one, since many of their priests are gay.

2. Reverse their stance on birth control, so people in poor countries like Mexico don’t keep having kids they can’t afford, just so the Church can continue to grow. I checked the bible. Nothing in there about not wearing rubbers, so they should pass this one, too.

3. Reverse their stance on women not being allowed to be priests, because anything men can do, women can usually do better. The Democrats talked about the Republican War on Women, but that’s nothing compared to what the Catholic Church is doing to them.

4. Reverse their stance on allowing priests to marry, because it’s inhumane to tell someone they can’t have an intimate relationship for their entire adult lives. Plus, you tend to attract more perverts that way. Again, there’s nothing in the Bible to support it. The only reason they outlaw marriage is the almighty dollar. If you allow priests to marry, they’re going to have children and want their own places to live. Which means you’ll actually have to pay them.

5. Speaking of perverts, change the culture so that instead of protecting pedophile priests, and allowing them to continue to rape little boys, they must turn over all pedophiles to the authorities immediately. The immediate shortage of priests that will happen as a result will be offset by provision #3 and #4.

6. Shorten the Mass to seven minutes. Start with a prayer. Have the priest give a short homily, and end with a song. That’s enough religion for anyone. All the rest is bullshit. And all that chanting gives me the creeps. “Let us proclaim the mystery of our faith . . . “. Let us not, okay? Catholics know what they believe in; they don’t have to chant it every week.

7. Knock off this whole eating Jesus and drinking his blood stuff. It’s creepy, and cult-like, and way too medieval. Catholics make their communion in second grade. So you’re telling 7-year-olds that they are eating a human. What the hell is the matter with you.

8. Don’t make priests wear dresses anymore. It probably adds to the perversion factor.

9. Get rid of all the bishops and cardinals who live lives of incredible luxury. All they do is suck money from the local churches that need it more. As Pope, I won’t need them. And I can’t stand their hats. As Pope, the only hat I’ll wear is a Cubs hat.

10. Move the Vatican to Chicago until my son graduates high school. Then we can move it back to Italy, since he’ll be away at college anyway.

I’m still waiting to hear back from them . . . but I’m sort of assuming it’s a done deal. When it happens, I’ll keep this blog, but change the name of it to either “Papal Matters,” or “Papal Infallibility My Ass.”


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Comments (9)

LisaMarch 25, 2013 at 11:13 am

I wandered back to your blog today after being away from it for a long time. I've always enjoyed your perspective and your sense of humor. But today I think I'll say goodbye for good. I'm very tired of people, who know little about it except what they get from the news, bashing the Catholic Church. I could go down your list and tell you exactly what the Church teaches about each of those things and why, and even though at the end you might not agree, you would, if you were honest with yourself, not believe the CC to be the evil that you have outlined here. I'm tired of people who call themselves "liberal" and "tolerant" not being tolerant of the beliefs of others.

But for the record: there isn't a single secular or religious institution in the world that affirms the TRUE dignity of women like the Catholic Church. Secondly, the Catholic Church does in fact accept gays as they are and acknowledges that same sex attraction is not a choice. It is a LIE that the CC hates gays and thinks they're all going to hell.

And I'd also like to say that I'm not some right-wing nut job. I'm very nice and pretty funny, and I love people. And I love to be around people who disagree with me because it sharpens my own beliefs. It helps me shed some things and it helps me solidify some things. I'm simply very frustrated by people so filled with hate. Hate that is based on someone else's hate rather than the truth.

steveFebruary 12, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Amy: When I am the Pope, we will stop all this Catholic nonsense about anyone who isn't Catholic is going to hell. We will reach out to all religions, and anyone who wants to join us can, and keep ALL their holidays and traditions. It's going to be great. Pope Steve I will be a great friend to the Jews.

AmyFebruary 12, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Can you get them to repeal that prayer that asks for the conversion of Jews? We don't want to convert and leave all our cool holidays behind. Although... if you're gonna be pope, maybe we might? Especially if we can keep Passover and Purim.

steveFebruary 12, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Matt: one could argue that the following my talent deserves SHOULD be all weirdos!! You'll be wanting to convert once I get my team in the Vatican and we get up and running.

steveFebruary 12, 2013 at 11:09 am

Brad: I'd rather lead the Moonies or the Church of Scientology than wear the hated Red!!!!!

Brad WhitworthFebruary 12, 2013 at 10:48 am

I think the Cubs headgear would be a game-ender. However, if you're willing to switch to a St. Louis Cardinals hat, there still might be room for you on the papal roster.

MattFebruary 12, 2013 at 12:41 am

So it's true. You really have found another career path. That sucks! I think I speak on behalf of all communicators when I say we will miss you very much. You've been an inspiration to many in the business world but as Pope you will now have the following your talent deserves (although most of them will be weirdos)!!

steveFebruary 11, 2013 at 5:57 pm

After, Chris. WAY after.

Chris CrescenzoFebruary 11, 2013 at 5:36 pm

The pope wearing a Cubs hat? That might increase their odds of winning a world series. Would this happen before or after hell freezes over?


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